My Mask

I want to face the world with smiles!

"How are you doing?"

"Very good!"

That's the problem. When such a question becomes a greeting instead of a question with the intention of gathering a substantial response.

I don't actually feel hypocritical when I reply, "Very good!" to someone, when in actual fact, I'm not doing very well. 

This happened just last week. When someone asked me this question, and I responded, "Very good!" with a wide smile and a thumbs up. But I know that's just a mask to hide my true countenance. My response caught me by surprise, as I spent more thought reflecting on why I responded that way.

"How are you doing?"

"Bad. What are you going to do about it?"

LOL! Surely that kinda response will cause anyone to be taken aback.

You know why I responded that way?

Because I do not wanna affect you with my negative energy.

You know why I responded that way?

Because I'm too tired to open my heart to share what's dark inside. 

That's why. So when I respond, "Very good!" I don't feel hypocritical. 

But it takes humility and trust to say, "Bad. Can you help me out?"

But what if, I'm too tired to receive help? What does that mean?

A Wreck

I guess, there will never be a time when we can stand right before God. 

Actually, it's not a guess.

Not in my own strength and righteousness. 

Because whatever season I am in, my life is always filled with brokenness and imperfections. 

When I wanna run away, He hem me in behind and before.

He feels far away, but He's just right here, with His hands laid on my head.

I'm afraid of the consequences I have to face as a result of my decisions.

But I'm too tired to be afraid. 

"Raise up your hands if you want to come home to Jesus."

But... I'm too tired to raise up my hands. 

If I have to go home, Jesus, come and carry me home please.

I'm sorry. I'm such a wreck.

Blessed.

I am very blessed. God is good, gentle, patient and kind.

Even when I'm a wreck, or rather, constantly a wreck, He's always that good, gentle, patient and kind God towards me.