My Father dotes on me.

I have always been a very blessed child.

I always get what I want (:

But, maybe that's because I don't really have many things that I want. Or otherwise, whatever I want, would be aligned to the desires of my parents (but most of the time, my mom).

As a child, I was always taught not to ask for anything. Here's why. I have 2 half sisters who are older than me. But to be honest, I really see them as just my sisters. I'm always on good terms with them, and through their speech and actions, I know, too, that they love me as a younger sister (: Although, we do get into fights and arguments in our growing years. I mean, which siblings don't right? Haha!

Okay, so what about my 2 older sisters? My parents were just afraid that everytime they got me something, my 2 sisters would get jealous. So.. When I was a child, I didn't dare to ask my parents to buy me things. Most of the time, they'd say no, because they didn't want my sisters to get jealous. And as time passes, I learnt to not even ask for anything from them. Or otherwise, I'd ask, but I wouldn't expect them to actually do it.

But, even so, I'd always receive my wants somehow, if not from my parents (: I've always wanted to learn the piano. My dad promised that he'd let me. But eventually, he didn't. Thankfully, I've got an electric organ at home, so I started to play around with it when I was 6 (: and then I joined the concert band, and I gained knowledge of reading music. And with this knowledge, I went to learn the piano myself (: And then, a family friend taught me music theory for about 2 months, but I gave up. Haha! I suspect I have ADHD. Theory bores me! But still, I didn't give up playing the piano (: And then I told my mom I wanted a piano, I didn't want the organ, and a few months later, a family friend didn't want her piano anymore. And she gave hers to me :O

I wanted to learn the guitar too. I have no idea, why there was a guitar at my house. No one plays the guitar! Haha! But I learnt from my elder sister that her friend lent it to her, but it eventually became hers! Haha. She left the house and left behind the guitar. Before I received Christ, I tried playing, but I couldn't get the hang of it. After I received Christ, I had a strong desire to pick up the guitar, because I wanted to use it to sing praises to God. Athena taught me the basics! Thank God for a sister like her (: And God took over from there (:

Those mentioned above are just a few things that I got when I had my wants.

My parents dote on me. Especially my dad, I'd remember when my mom would chase me around the room with a hanger or a cane because of my mischievousness, and then my dad would protect me, hide me under his blanket and he'd get hit by my mom because of me. haha!

But as I grew older, I drifted away from my dad and grew closer to my mom. I just couldn't stand his over-protectiveness in my life. I still feel that, he shouldn't refrain his children from suffering because it's only through suffering that'll build up our characters. I remember when I was in secondary school, I'd go home crying, because of the immense stress I was going through (that's another story). Guess what my over-protective dad would say? QUIT! That's where we clash. We're both very strong-opinionated. I'm not gonna quit! And hearing that from my dad isn't helping either. What I really needed then was motivation and encouragement that will strengthen me to overcome that obstacle in my life.

Oh well! Haha!

But my dad is still human (: And even earthly parents will fail us sometimes. 

But I do know that my heavenly Father is perfect (:

My perfect heavenly Father sent me my imperfect earthly parents to love me, provide for me and dote on me (: and I am thankful for my earthly parents.

Anyway! Would you believe me if I told you God helped me with my homework? :D HAHAHA! This is how my heavenly Father would pamper me!

Okay, here's how.

My group is working on a magazine project, and we all have to write 2 compulsory articles for the magazine. My first article was a food review on Carpenter and Cook! I was thinking of writing a profile for my second article, and I thought of who I wanted to ask for help. But, I thought it'd be boring and I wanted to try something new. But it's okay, I put that at the back of my head, and planned to settle it after I submit my first article.

So one day, I was having lunch with my friend at the atrium, and we stumbled upon noisesingapore. The whole set up was quite attractive and so I went in to explore. And when I stepped in I was just like. WOW. There were the displays and works of many local artists, and there was a section for local singers and bands. I immediately went and recorded all of their names, because with social media, you can reach anyone you're looking for ;) hehe.

And a name caught my attention. Vanessa Faith. I knew for sure that she could be a sister in Christ (:

And guess what? A few days later, one of my seniors posted on my cca facebook group wall, and called us to go down to support her as she was coming to our school for a gig. And she was a senior who graduated many years back.

Oh man. How faithful and awesome can my heavenly Father be? I really don't have to worry about my homework right Haha! And through my senior, I managed to reach her :D

I officially met up with Vanessa Faith for the first time! Before that, I was really nervous, because I didn't know what to expect and I really didn't know who she is.

But the whole session didn't feel like it was an interview, more like a session of fellowship.

It's amazing how Jesus brings people together.

 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:14

Matthew 5:11

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. -Matthew 5:11-12

I think the natural reaction of a reader would be fear. Fear of having this verse to be applied in our lives. Who wants to be insulted? Who wants to be persecuted? Who wants people to gossip about us? No one right?

But blessed am I if I face all these sufferings for Christ's sake!

I feel encouraged and blessed by this verse. I can summarize why in 3 points (:

1. Free from being a slave to the people around me.

How many people come in and out of my life? How versatile am I to adapt to the changes in people around me? How am I suppose to meet the expectations of everyone? I can't please all. This verse teaches me to stay true to what and who is important to me, and who am I to please? Today, my dad could be expecting something like that, and tomorrow he could be expecting something like this! It's always changing! I can never meet the ever changing expectations of the people around me. All I can do is to do my best and let God do the rest.

2. The freedom and ease to do God's will.

I think many times we hesitate to obey God coz we're afraid of how people look at us. We're afraid that they're unhappy with us. But if I'm free from being a slave to the ever changing expectations of people, I wouldn't mind how they look at me. All I have to focus on is carrying out the purposes God has for me! And God's expectations never change. For thousands of years, it's still the same. This gives me security and assurance, that my God is constant. And that is where I find my identity in, my identity is in Christ. With my hopes placed on something that is constant, I would then have the confidence to live my life everyday!

3. My reward is in heaven!

This helps me to look at things from an eternal perspective. It's okay if there're people who aren't happy with me. I always remember this famous saying,"Those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter." I don't have to seek comfort and assurance from the people or the things of this world, all these will fade away, all these are temporal. Keeping my eyes fixed on eternity helps me to strive for Jesus Christ with hope and confidence too!

Bankrupt without You.

I know the day I made you Lord over my life, I want to live my life for You. But everytime You hide your presence away from me. I'll be so lost and I can't find the joy of living no more.

I have always been strong, because I know I am secure with You around. But when dryness hits me. I crumble. And here I am now, spiritually poor, emotionally poor and physically poor.

Nevertheless, grant me the strength to press on. I want to see You face to face.

Appreciation - Irene

Today, Irene was super random. She asked me out for lunch, at some ATAS place called Carpenter's and Cook! And since I've all the free time till service starts at 4.30pm. I said OKAY! :D

I've been friends with Irene since Primary 3!

We didn't experience a 'love at first sight'! 

We only started getting close on a personal level in Primary 6!

I still remembered how we cheated during HE paper in Primary 3 :P HAHA! It was a downright epic experience! I couldn't believe she so innocently *ahem* called me from the next seat and asked for the answer when the teacher walked out! LOL! And, I gave! LOL! Come to think of it, it's just funny. Who can imagine someone would cheat for HE paper?! *Children do not learn*

Thank you for allowing me to always feel comfortable when I'm around you (: I know I can truly be myself because you accept me for who I am; no matter how much I changed. Thank you for always listening to my stories and allowing our communication to be interactive instead of it being always me talking!

Please continue to just be yourself! :D

I'll always be keeping you in prayer and please don't hesitate to ask me to pray for you whether it's a big thing or a small thing that's happened in your life :D Hehe.

Flight

In the darkest days,
In the darkest nights,
There's a God up there
Filled with glorious light.

He fights with power
And makes a way,
For the brokenhearted
To see this faith.

Was weak, was hurt, was full of hate,
But the sovereign God says,
"Just you wait,
I'll turn your heart of stone to red,
So break down those walls
And in me take faith.

You think you're safe living in that cage,
But no, the devil will meddle with you head.

Bitterness will start to grow,
Inside those walls you call your own.
Then life will start to take its toll
With tiredness consuming your soul.

So my love break free
And release that hurt
And trust in me
For you will be healed.

For I sent my son to die for you,
So you won't remain feeling doomed.
He took your pain upon Himself,
And suffered for you without a grudge.

In God His Father, He obeyed,
And took upon the cross of pain,
Pain that's excruciating and filled with love,
For Jesus loves you,
So willingly He suffered.

But 3 days later He rose on high,
In glorious power, in glorious might.
For those who died with Him before,
Will throw their old self
And the new self they'll yearn.

The new self in Christ so full of joyful grace,
But grace will only be given,
If a decision is made to receive it by faith.

So humble yourself and lose that pride
And let me take you on a flight.
This flight you'll see my love for you,
It may seem unbelievable but it is true.

When tears of sorrow fall from your eyes,
Can you not at all hear my compassionate cry?

I know you're crushed,
I know you're wormed,
But just to let you know I will press on
And to let you know my true love for you.

So open your heart to take this flight of truth
And experience a miraculous breakthrough.
Come discover what I am,
For you I love
And I've got great things in store for you."

Written with love and grace and motivation by the Holy Spirit.

Change.

Anyone can change as long as the love of God overwhelms his heart.

He's gonna change! I am sure.

You watch! 8-D

It's been awhile since I had the conviction, motivation and discipline to keep someone in prayer like that.

Roughly a year ago. I was desperately crying out in prayer for someone else. Now, my prayer is a prayer full of faith and assurance!

God's gonna show me a miracle again!^^ Life is so exciting!

Spiritual warfare.

Early this morning, I experienced spiritual warfare!

Mom telling you dressing is important when you think it's not so! I mean how important is it?! SRSLY!

Sister took your ezlink card and you only realized it when you're on the bus!

Your broken hearted(for very long) friend coming to tell you in the morning some stuff that you don't approve of!

But I'm not gonna give in! I'm not gonna let all these affect the way I do things today! Hopefully :x

Maybe because I prayed a prayer yesterday! And I think it's taking effect!^^ it's all worth it! The devil's trying to go all out against me. But the devil is stupid! Bleah.

Heaven Is For Real

I just finished reading the book, "Heaven Is For Real". This title speaks the heart of the boy himself. He wants to let others know that heaven is for real. As simple as that. And I can't help but cry (literally) out to Jesus too. And after reading that book, I prayed and told Jesus, I want my family to know that heaven is for real too. But I don't know what to do. It pains me to see my loved ones going after the things of this world. It pains me to see my loved ones being spiritually blinded. And I hate the devil. If there's one thing you wanna hate in this world, then it's got to be the devil.

So what if you're a successful person in the eyes of this world, are you successful in the eyes of God?

I believe that heaven is for real. And that is the place where we will enjoy the fullness of His glory.

How long are we gonna stay here on earth? 70years? 90? 110years? You think that's a long life.

You have no idea what's long.

Knowing Jesus gives you a life of eternity.

And I am confident to say that, only Jesus proclaimed it, only He proclaimed that He can give eternal life.

Faith. Purpose. Suffering.

Today's SM fellowship got me thinking about how I've spent my holidays (:

In the beginning, I was struggling a bit with my purposes in life.

And God spoke to me through Prayerthon (: 

Knowing my purpose adds meaning to my life. I've learnt not to worry so much about my future and to focus on what is to be done now (: Because God has already written my life story. Although there may be parts of this story in which I'm not very willing to obey, but I know, at the end of the day, with obedience comes blessings! May these blessings be the smiles and delight of the LORD!

Through this holidays, I've also been reading books! Hehe. And 2 books which I've read are testimonies of 2 boys who went to heaven! Why should children lie right? 

Do not underestimate the mind of a child. A child can indeed see and understand certain things that skeptical adult minds can't. There is so much you can learn from children. Do not let pride stop you from seeing wisdom in children.

So through the 2 testimonies of these 2 boys, I was very encouraged by their child-like faith!

And! I also read 2 books about missions. These 2 books taught me about sufferings we will face as children of God.

So! I have summarized what I've learnt during this holidays!

Faith.

Purpose.

Sufferings.

Compelled By Love

The work we do is nothing more than a means of transforming our love for Christ into something concrete. I didn't have to find Jesus. Jesus found me and chose me. A strong vocation is based on being possessed by Christ. He is the life that I want to live. He. Is the light that I want to radiate. He is the love which I want to love. He is the joy that I want to share. He is the peace that u want to sow. Jesus is everything to me. Without Him, I can do nothing.

This is extracted from Heidi Baker's Compelled By Love. And it speaks my heart for Jesus.

The Power Of A Praying Teen

Just yesterday, I completed a book titled, "Revolutions In World's Missions". It is a good book which speaks a lot of truth about the gospel, touching my heart at some points as I reflected on my own life of evangelism. But today, I'm not gonna talk about this book yet. I'm starting on anther book titled," The Power Of A Praying Teen" and God revealed His will to me.

The will of God is for His children to live in the power of His Holy Spirit.

Yeaps. That's all. I wanted to record it down.

I have one life.

I have one life. 

And in this one life, my unknowing desire is to know Jesus Christ. 

And this unknowing desire, has been fulfilled the day Jesus touched my cold heart.

So I'd just like to share my testimony in my search to find myself dwelling in the saviour's love.

As a child, I have always been blessed by God, despite not coming from a family who knows God. I have no idea how, at a tender age, I already knew stories of Noah's Ark, Jonah and the Whale (Or the Big Fish LOL), Samson and Delilah, The Lion's Den, The Story of Christmas etc. probably because I had bible storybooks (I have no idea how I got them).

As a child, I knew that God is the Creator of life and vividly remembered one incident when I got a trashing down by my dad for my child-like faith. From then onwards, I never dared to mention God's greatness to my dad.

Throughout my life as a kid, all the way until I was twelve, I believed that God was up there, somewhere, watching over us. Also, I have seen God's power and faithfulness through the testimony of an aunt, who got into a major car accident probably ten years ago, that caused her to be bed-ridden. Every year, when my family goes to her place for visits, she would tell me and my sisters amazing stories of how God spoke to her and how she has seen God, and slowly, the desire in my heart to know who this God is started grow. However, I never had the opportunity to, I mean, I didn't really have Christian friends, and no one invited me to church back then. Through this aunt of mine, I witness how from being bed-ridden, she began to be able to sit up and to being able to stand, and eventually to walk. To think that the doctors said she'd be bed-ridden for life!

As I moved on to my teenage years, I began to grew skeptical about the idea of a God. 

I remembered I used to have 3 or 4 bibles in my cupboard, and once while I was packing my room, I threw away every single bible that I had. I thought I didn't need God. And I thought those who believed in God are just people who needed a fictional character to assure them that they'll get through life.

In my new secondary school, I made new friends, it seemed as if everyone likes me, I am one of the noisy ones in class, one of the leaders in school, everyone knows me. I thought life was awesome, and I was honored and glorified. I had two awesome best friends and I loved them so dearly. We did everything together and life then seemed like a bed of roses, despite the nitty gritty details of minor setbacks faced as a student leader. 

However, life took a toll on me when misunderstandings caused our relationship to sour, my best friends left me and my life turned upside down.

I suffered in silence for about six months. I tried to make things right by contacting my best friend, but I was just left cliff-hanging there, how I wished, back then, that I would just fall off that cliff and die. People started to see the change in me, but they thought I was merely stressed out because of the new role I had in the student council. I didn't trust anyone, I had no mood to do anything. I even had suicidal thoughts, like I wouldn't bother if there were cars, I'd just cross the road. The only reason why I pressed on was again for my personal honor, if anything bad were to happen to me, my reputation would be ruined. 

Thank God, my form teacher reached out to me, and after that few months of silence and bottling up of everything, I poured out all that was within me. My form teacher continued to support me and genuinely cared for my welfare. But despite the love and care she showed in my life, I still felt empty, lonely, sad, depressed and unaccepted. 

No one understood how I felt and what I was going through. Not even my family members. All of them thought that this was just a minor phase in life, they thought that it wasn't all that serious. But this change in my life was just too much for me to handle. 

I was struggling with my identity. Who am I?

What is the meaning of my life?

One day, I was at home, feeling alone and empty as usual. I spotted a book lying on the floor and a passage that I read opened my eyes to see the condition of my heart. The book was titled, "God allows U-turn for Teens". It actually belongs to my sister, she left it lying around on the floor.

So, I randomly flipped to a page, and my eyes were immediately directed to a passage about a teenage girl struggling with bitterness. It said, "When people hurt us, we put up walls, thinking this will protect us form more hurt."

That was exactly what I was doing! I was building walls around me! I just wanted everyone to go away! But... I didn't realise that I had been trapping bitterness and hatred inside me! I haven't been having good relationships with people (at least there were many malicious thoughts inside me), because I just couldn't trust anymore! I stayed away from people, thinking it'd protect me! 

But because I was an arrogant person who feels that I am strong enough to handle everything myself, I didn't need God, and so I took that sign with a pinch of salt.

My friend, Eunice, invited me to the Rhema Conference which was held in December 2010. Initially, I came up with a whole lot of excuses not to go, I thought, "It doesn't matter if I go or not, I'm not important anyway." But seeing how enthusiastic and encouraging she was, and remembering how I promised her I would go if I was free, I went. 

In the sermon, the pastor preached about the love of God. God loves us and accepts us for who we are. At that point, it was as if God was telling me himself, "I love you. I accept you for who you are. You don't have to feel unaccepted by this world, it's okay if people do not accept you for who you are because I love you, and I'll never forsake you, just believe me and let me comfort you."

I was deeply touched. My empty heart miraculously filled by half! What more could I ask for? So what if people excluded me from their lives? I have the great love and acceptance from this great God! How awesome can that be!

However, I still did not open my heart to trust the churches and people. I never knew the importance of fellowship. These was once I made a casual remark, "Just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I'm not a Christian." But I was wrong. A few days later, I didn't know why, I had a desire to go to church, so I asked Eunice if I could join her for service the next day. 

She was quite delighted that I asked, as she was acting in a skit titled, "Never Let Go". I went and I was deeply touched, the whole story boils down to saying God never letting us go. On that day, the same pastor preached the same sermon I heard in the Rhema Conference and I went up to the altar to receive Christ into my life.

I attended service regularly and joined a cell group. I learnt the importance of fellowship. No man is an island; we need to build relationships with others so that we can learn together, serve together, reach out together and grow stronger together.

By the grace of God, just after a few months of knowing Christ, He used me to serve as a cell leader at church. How different the feeling was! Serving as a cell leader when I didn't know God, and serving as a leader when God is with me, carrying me, guiding me, giving me rest and comforting me... I know that ultimately, there's an even stronger leader leading me and that is God and I have nothing to worry or fear, and can be assured that God would empower me to overcome the challenges a leader would face. I also joined Campus Crusade for Christ and God used me to serve in other ways too. No one can fathom the peace and joy in my heart now that Christ has found me!

I am set free by God' love and mercy and I am forgiven for my sin! Because of His great love for me, I was compelled to live my life with love to. I was hurt, I felt bitter, life was meaningless, and by feeling this way, it is the devil that will be most glorified. But the love of God, the torturous death of Jesus Christ on the cross has set me free from the chains the devil was tying me down to.

Now, my life is purpose-driven and my hope and faith in God grows daily! Everyday, God's providence just increases the thanksgiving in my heart!

No matter how much we ignore Him, disobey Him, or challenge Him, like how I used to be, He will always be reaching out to us and He will never give up on us. All we have to do is open the door in our hearts to receive Him and that would change your life forever. Even until now, I witness God working in my life, never failing to leave me in awe of His greatness! 

And everyday, is just the beginning of the greatest love story in my life.

The day I received Christ into my life

I still remember the day, I went up to the altar and I received Jesus Christ into my life. From that moment onwards, I didn't know what to expect. I just knew, this almighty God has touched my heart and pulled me up from my emotional and mental ditch. And I know, this God is not just any God, but He is more than strong, more than powerful, One who can make such a huge impact in my life, One who can transform my life and renew my heart (:

I also remember, how my friend, Eunice, appeared before me with tears of joy, the moment I opened my eyes after being led to say the sinner's prayer by Pastor Ronald.

I am just so thankful.

#randomthoughtbutheartfeltgratitude

If it pleases You.

Today mom was talking about what kind of a person I am. And how I may never get the ideal simplicity of life that I desire.

She mentioned how I can't just be a simple girl leading a simple life.

And I cringed at that comment, because I know, what I really want is really just to lead a simple life. And mom totally burst my bubble. Thanks mom.

She said how I've always been on the frontline, how I've always been a leader, my character that's seemingly unbeatable.

But I was fearful. Because that's not what I want. So I made my stand and firmly told mom that I just want to lead a simple life. But mom said no, because it's in my blood, I can never run away. And then I cried out to God (in a dramatic and exasperated way of course), and asked why did He created me this way. And mom said, if you don't turn out the way God created you to be, you are turning away from God. And inside me, I was just like. WOAHHHHH.

And as I left the house for prayer meeting, I was giving all these a serious thought. And I've decided.

If whatever that I am inside is what God wants me to be, then I know that whatever I am must be for His kingdom's purposes.

So if it pleases You Lord, I am willing to do anything.

I want to sleep.

I have no idea why, I can't sleep now.

I'm not sure if I want to, or I don't want to.

I can or I can't.

I want to get my work done, but I can't.

Honestly speaking, I have times when I just want to drop everything I'm doing, go to a corner, isolate myself and just read. My bible.

Am I okay? YES I'M OKAY! 

IF GOD IS FOR US! WHO CAN BE AGAINST US?!?

Teeheee. It's only 1.22am in the morning. And whatever that I'm saying now are really sincerely random thoughts.

OK. IMMA GO NOW. BYE. I think I am crazy! (^oo^)

GOD!

GOD!

PLEASE DON'T STOP INTERVENING INTO MY LIFE!

I NEED YOU EVERY MOMENT.

YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME.

And I know You won't.

Thank You Lord Jesus.

Jesus Christ paid the price for my life.

If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the lord. 

So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Romans 14:8

Am I glad to proclaim that promise given by God? 

That my life belongs to Him!

And this life that belongs to Him was bought by the pain and blood of Jesus Christ.

I just cannot stop reminding myself that this life is to be treasured and treated properly.

And at the same time, joy is constantly filling up in my heart because 

I know this life is no longer mine, but His!

So whatever worries, burdens, 

troubles, problems, 

trials, tribulations, 

disappointment, discouragement, 

AND WHAT NOT.

Is not mine! BUT HIS! 

Teehee!

But it's cool. God is so strong, He can handle anything!

How great is our God! 

Operation First Love!

I'm on my quest to searching back my One true love, 

the One who ever truly filled the emptiness in my heart and overwhelmed me with His love! 

The first time ever I experienced unconditional love and 

am assured even now that this love will last for eternity!

Living life without the tangible presence of God can be really agonizing at times! 

Because I wouldn't know where to find the strength and the joy to face the day!

I always make sure the joy in my heart is always from the Lord, 

and that this overflowing joy that I have within me will also flow into the lives of others (: 

So at least they would see hope and love in this world. 

There's beauty in the ugliness of love.

I miss the days when my faith was childlike and my trust in God was so strong. 

I miss the days when I was not only touch by the love of our Lord Jesus, but the conviction puts my hands into action.

I miss the days when all I desired was to live my life for this high being who'd come down to earth, to experience life as a man, to experience what it is like being tempted by the devil, to experience pain, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I miss that period when I experienced true love from a God who is willing to sacrifice His life for the world.

//

Jesus Christ loves us so much. To the extent of dying for the people who mocked Him, insulted Him, tortured Him; dying for the people who spat at Him, whipped Him, nailed Him to the cross. And all Jesus Christ could say to the Father was, "Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Every time I'm reminded of His death on the cross for me, I would always feel very very very sad for the sufferings He had to go through for me. 

Imagine a crown of thorns digging deep into your skull, whips with pricks on it being slashed onto your skin, a long nail being pierced into your palms and feet.

Yet, at the same time, I SHOUT UNTO MY LORD AND SAVIOUR! And thank Him for all the sufferings He had to go through!The physical torture on the cross, the emotional lashings from the people whom he loves in this world and the spiritual separation He had to go through with the Father! For if it wasn't God's plan for all these to happen, I wouldn't be who I am today!

And now, as I have received Him into my life.

 I am empowered to live a life like Him. 

My hope is always in Him. 

My identity is secure in Him.

And in times of troubles, I cry out to this faithful lover of my soul who would deliver me from all my troubles!

//

And the Lord knows what I'm going through now.

I will not miss those days no more, for I desire to remain like those days, 

when I first met Jesus, and fell so deeply in love with Him.

I want to fall so deeply in love with Jesus Christ.

This is the One true; sacrificial; everlasting love that shines beautifully in the ugliness of a love, explained by this world, that conveys a message of misconception of what true love is.

what good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?

Just one or two days ago, I was overwhelmed by the amount of assignments I had to do and the amount of materials I had to revise and study. I mean, come on, who doesn't wanna do well for school? Isn't it every students' aim to score more than average grades and impress anyone at all? For me, a GPA of 3.5 was the lowest I must get. Anything below that is considered BAD. That's for me, and that's the expectation I set for myself. As compared to the other students in my course, a GPA of 3.5 isn't very high.

I wanted to cultivate the habit of consistency, so that I don't have  to be a mugger when my papers are near. But because of the many small commitments that I'm taking up, I always reached home tired and unfocused. So I can only get very few things done.

Little did I know that I was actually slowly placing these responsibilities above my source of hope, strength, comfort, rest and refuge.

Just yesterday morning, I was doing my quiet time on Deuteronomy 4 (Idolatry forbidden).

V23: Be careful not to forget the covenant of the Lord your God that he made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the Lord your God has forbidden.

In a world like this, there are so many things that can distract me from my focus on God. Things of this world can often trick me into falling prey of idolatry, simple and what seem like harmless everyday things such as music, media, people, materials, even my own studies or even myself - aiming to be that someone who meets all my own expectations and standards. Yes. All these can end up being my idols.

And yet again, what good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? All the short-term goals I set for myself?


The things of this world will fade, but God, my Father, my source of hope, will never fade. Is it not true that you'll get drained, when you work so hard, and you have no idea what you're working so hard for? Or maybe you're working hard for your future, but yet again, who can affirm you that your plans will not falter? Who can you seek hope from? Who can affirm you? Who can promise you an eternity of assurance and affirmation?

These few days, I was quite stressed up and physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. I was so worried. I was not excited about anything. I lost sight of my Father. And I felt bad. Really bad. I mean. I know the truth. He will be with me wherever I go, He will not forsake me. But the thing is, I am drifting away from Him, and I am forsaking Him. I am the problem. And that is bad. Really bad. I didn't want whatever that was happening to happen. And what's worst? I didn't realize that my potential of being a victim of idolatry was possible, until, I had dinner with my discipleship group yesterday.

Mel asked us how has our walk with God been. And yeah, what can I say? I've been doing my quiet time, I've been trying really hard to be single-minded, I really did, but poof! It was just a-snap-of-a finger easy to fall away.

I was confessing how pressurized I was feeling about all the assignments and lessons for the first two weeks and how worried I was getting. My mind was just so distracted and all I could think of were the responsibilities in my hands.

Emcee for vision tea. Emcee for Kaleidoscope. Design logo for Mr. Chong's company. Fill in the game plans for the racial and religious youth camp for YEC. Design the T-shirt for the camp. Study MRM. Revise advert notes. Do web critique assignment. Create a new idea for TV prod script. Blah. Blah. Blah.

And Mel asked me what did God teach me during my quiet time that morning, and my mind was a complete blank. Oh no. I was searching. Searching through my cluttered mind and trying really hard to dig out my quiet time memory that morning. I was quite lost. And I just wanted to cry. What was happening to me? Oh dear.

And them Yixuan shared about the things that she's going through too, and I realized that we're like on the same boat. And then I recalled what my quiet time was about, it was about idolatry. And then, that evening at the dinner table with my DG, God revealed the potential idol that was consuming my life.

After dinner, Yixuan and I spent time together at Sogurt and we talked about our walk with God and how we can be aligned to His will again and not to lose sight of Him. I really thank God for her gift of knowledge as it served as an encouragement to me.

We prayed for each other and parted ways.

Yesterday night, I was really tired. Overwhelmed. Distracted. Loaded. I wanted to study, but nothing will get into my head. So I just went to sleep.

Today, was a good day though! My heart is so filled with joy.

I knew that I had no more time to memorize my emcee script, so I have decided to read off the script no matter how unprofessional it may seem. I went to school, went for lessons, had a good time with my classmates, and today was a very prayerful day, I prayed at random times and random moments and it was good.

Then I rushed for Vision Tea after my lesson ended at 5.55pm, before that I was quite nervous, I don't really enjoy being an emcee. I always thought it was a tough and challenging role. But when I met Jamie, I was so encouraged and my mood was lighten and brighten up! Hehe. We rehearsed once through and all was good. God gave me the strength and courage to interact with the newcomers and I really enjoyed my time. I thought that my emceeing was one of the most enjoyable experience among all the other emceeing experiences I had. I really committed all things into the hands of the Lord and He gave me the words to speak, especially during transitions and all. It was awesome.

Usually, after emceeing and event, I would be so drained, and I'd swear I will never be the emcee for another event again(which was not always the case), but today, my heart was filled with joy and all praise and glory be to my Father in heaven!

I prayed and prayed, that I can lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and just trust Him in all circumstances. And today, my heart is light and my mood is bright. Thank God.

I can only say, I am afraid to be away from the presence of God. Sometimes, unknowingly, I would just be tempted to fall away from Him, but I must clarify, that I don't want to. Nevertheless, I will never leave His sight, and He will aways watch over me and be with me. He is a God who is quick to forgive those who repent. How great is our God.


When we get tired and the things of this world drained us, the children who once drifted away from their Father will eventually return to Him because that's where we can find our comfort and rest, being where God is, is where we belong.


When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. -Deuteronomy 4:30

Setting healthy boundaries. Finding rest.

It's amazing how Jesus can bring people together.

If anyone actually noticed, the only reason why a church was even built is so that fellow believers can come together and worship God, God is the only reason why we even go to church. We come together to build a community just so we can learn together, worship together, grow stronger together, and reach out together!

It's just so amazing how God allowed people to come and go in my life. Indeed, good times I've been through, what seemed like worst times turned out to be a blessing in disguise!

I was hurt, I felt empty, I was all alone. But through all these, God humbled me and opened my eyes to see the condition of my broken heart. How much I needed to know that this Father in heaven loves me so much as to send His one and only son, Lord Jesus, to die on the cross for me to redeem me from the hands of the devil.

I really thank God for all the people He has placed in my life. I love meeting up with people and getting to know more about their lives, what they are going through and how they are handling things. I like to listen to them talk. I like to know more about them(: And I feel so honoured every time someone open up their hearts to share their deepest thoughts with me.

I am a talkative person, very talkative, especially when it concerns my faith and my relationship with God. I don't have to hide, I don't have to feel ashamed, because it is indeed the love of my heavenly Father that I am who I am now. But I like it more when people are more talkative than me! Haha!

As much as these people are people whom I love dearly, I can indeed be drained. I must say that many people fail to see the importance of having alone time. I used to be someone who likes to be busy and be occupied. Until one day, when I felt really tired, and I actually realised the importance of having alone time. There are too many things in this world that we can do, and it is impossible for us to do everything.

Okay, I think my writing structure is very messy. My mind's quite messy too. I'm literally writing freely, and writing whatever comes into my mind now. HAHA.

This morning, I had a meeting with one of the crusade staff, and we were having a discussion for the vision tea event on Saturday. At the end of the discussion, she asked me how can she pray for me, and I know that all I needed was to have a focused mind, a mind that is focused on God. My mind is just so cluttered again, and I'm actually quite distracted again. Partly because I am involved in the lives of so many people. And she actually brought up the subject of setting healthy boundaries. Mind very messed up now, maybe will elaborate in my future posts.

And this evening (: my very awesome SM, Mel, threw a mini surprise for me and the surprise was sweet and lovely Gracia! Hehehe. I so casually mentioned that I missed Gracia and I guessed Mel immediately planned for a meet up with the intentions of surprising me! She told me she wanted to have dinner with me, and I said OK! :D and then she made me close my eyes from the exit of the MRT station at Bugis and led me all the way to Macs with my eyes closed! And there was Gracia waiting for us at Macs! Hehehe. How sweet can my SM be? Hmmm... I miss Ma Ny, the kid from Cambodia, is she gonna make me close my eyes from Singapore and surprise me with our arrival at Cambodia? XD KIDDING. HAHA.

Anyway, we had a good time of fellowship(: And Gracia brought up the importance of having a Sabbath every week, a time of rest, a time with God, where and when God can really speak to us and refresh our spiritual health (: Sometimes, we are just too busy doing the things of this world that we forget that we are human BEANS and we need rest. Rest is very important! And I find my rest in God(:

Okay. This entry is very messy. NVM.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. - Psalm 62:1- 2

Facing the Uncertain Future with Confidence!(:

Have you ever wondered what on earth are you here for? 


Is life really all about doing well in school, attaining remarkable grades, having a high CCA record, plainly serving the community, expressing yourself through music, dancing and the arts which can be rather enjoyable and appreciative? Is this all? Isn't there more to life?


I was in a state like that once.


Feeling all empty, lonely and living life like there's no purpose. Or rather, setting goals that are so high to reach! Setting goals according to the world's lowly standards. Setting goals which is ever-changing and never satisfying. 


When a goal is achieved, we are satisfied, for that short period, and a while later, we hunger for more, and we aim higher, and the higher we go, the more tired we get. What on earth am I here for? Who am I working so hard for?  Is it really just to have a good future ahead? Who am I trying to prove my worth too? Is it worth it getting all obsessed with earning acceptance from the people of this world? Who holds my future? What can I hope for in future? My future is so uncertain. 


Right now, thank the Lord, praise the Lord and all glory goes to my Father in heaven, for I don't worry about all these any longer. For I put my hope in Him and He gives me strength to face tomorrow. 


Just last week, on a particular day, I was just wondering to myself: What will I be doing in the future?


Well, don't get me wrong, I was just wondering... I am confident and hopeful for my future. But I was wondering, will God place me in an environment where ministry can be so intentional and straight-forward, or would He place me in an environment where ministry must be intentional but at the same time subtle, and not seem to be forced upon others.


And then, the amazing God opened my eyes to face the amazing truth.


Just a day after pondering about this question, I went for service the next day. And the the title of the sermon was "Facing the Uncertain Future with Confidence".


WOW. God, You always flash Your words of truth IN MY FACE. Haha. I love You.


As much as God our Father promised a future of good plans evident from Jeremiah 29:11-
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


But Jesus said the future is fearful.


Luke 21:25 - 26
There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.


Paul declared that there will be confusion in the world.


2 Timothy 3:1 - 7
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to with such people. They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of truth.


Peter proclaimed that there will be total destruction in the world.


2 Peter 3:10 - 12
But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with  roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved and the earth and the works that are done in it will be exposed.


So what can we say about the future then? Bleak? Fearful? Full of confusion with total destruction? Well, it may not necessarily end on the 21st December 2012. But the world sure would come to an end one day. Whatever it is, what lives will die some day right? What's new will turn old and be useless too right? And I believe the earth is the same. When it was created, there would be a time it would die too.


But I shall not fear! For I put all my hope and confidence in God, my Father in heaven!


Jesus said.


Matthew 6:31 - 32
So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.


I am so grateful that my God is a God of love. He acts as my Father on earth and in heaven, taking care of us, providing for our needs, and always going before us to make sure everything is well planned. I thank God for my daddy and mommy(: We sure are safe and secure in the Lord, as He leads us and guides us.


David's confidence in the Father's heart.



God knows my fears. He knows my mood. He knows all my ways. Even before I say anything Lord, You know. I will not doubt God. He is always with me. His presence is with me. ALWAYS. No one can run away form God. 

Is there a place to hide? To call our refuge? To be safe? I think at least for me, the only place is where God is. He is someone I can cling on to. 

And after I've listened to the sermon. God posted me a question.

Right now, life is good. All is good. I've got what I need, I've even got what I want. Everything seems to be going well for me in my life. But what if one day, tragedy strikes? What if something which seems undesirable or unfortunate happens to me? Will I still cling on to my Father in heaven? Can I still remember that I can find safety and security in Him? What if I forget Him? And then I drift away from the best place I could be! I WILL DIE.

Proverbs 3:5 - 6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

I can plan all I want, and I can dream all I want, but without God in these plans, I'm afraid they will be crushed! Let God's plans be my plans. 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33

Even as I'm on my journey of sanctification, may I always set my mind on eternal things and not temporal ones. Let me not allow greed to come into my life.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things

- Colossians 3:1 - 2

The things of this earth will fade away.

God will not shortchange us, He blesses us abundantly, He never fails. 

When your faith and trust is in God, even in times of despair and confusion, you will be worry-free.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 

- Matthew 6:33

My personal retreat with the Lord.

I thought the single-mindedness that I had with me in my mission trip would be brought back to Singapore too. How nice it was, when all I thought of back there and then was God and His people. God and the lost. The inner feelings I had when I came back to Singapore wasn't as overwhelming as my friends. I didn't carry much emotions. I thought I could adapt well. But I didn't realise that I had been suppressing my feelings and my thoughts. How much I miss every moment when my mind was so fully focused on God, how much I miss every moment when my mind wasn't as distracted and cluttered when I am in Singapore.

But I have to face all these business, it's part and parcel of my life! And instead of complaining and drowning in self-pity, whining about how much I want to be back there, and indulging in every moment of how I so freely and easily enter into the presence of God back there and then because there were no distractions, why not I make full use of my duties here to glorify my Father in heaven?(:

Yesterday, I went to the office and AUNTIE BECKY wasn't there! :OOO(aww man, I can't use emoji here. No fun.) Coz she took leave luh(: I thought she was sick, but it turned out, she just wanted to spend some time with God(: SO NICEEEE.

And something struck me. Ever since I came back, I haven't properly spend time with my Father, I felt so distant from Him. It's not like His presence is not with me, it's more like, my presence is not with Him! Oh dear, I felt so bad. I haven't been spending quality time with my Father in heaven.

All these while, He had been my refuge and strength, He is an ever-present help in my troubles. God is so awesome! The way He can have personal relationship with His children and how His presence never leaves us! All these are truths. God will never leave me. The earth will fade, people in my life come and go, but God will never fail, He never leaves me. I am still very touched by these truths and promises.

So, after I knew AUNTIE BECKY took leave just to spend time with our Father, I made a decision! I will go on a personal retreat! Yes! I will! So yesterday, I spent the night planning for my personal retreat the next day! And I shared my decision with my most awesomest-somest-somest SM-MELLLLLL! ;D

JASMIN'S PERSONAL RETREAT.

So during this personal retreat, God helped me to realize that my heart, my mind and my soul is still flying somewhere back in that place, and I had to bring my heart, my mind and my soul back to Singapore! Yes. I only realised it until today. I haven't really come back to Singapore. Physically, yes, mentally and spiritually? NO. So I really thank God for this personal retreat because I am now refreshed and truly back here!

When I came back to Singapore, I continued to give thanks to the Lord for my wonderful experiences in Cambodia, but I felt empty and weird as I couldn't listen to God as clearly or as sensitively as when I was in Cambodia. I was simply too distracted by the things of this world. Anything. Or... everything. School? Preparation for school? Preparation for vision teas. The media. Friends. Family. Whatever is it, my life in Singapore, the things in my hands, can get rather overwhelming at times. I'm not blaming the materials of these world nor am I blaming anyone for being in my life, I am thankful for all these. It's just that, sometimes, my heart and my mind, can be distracted and directed to the wrong places that separates my from God, causing me to slowly drift away from Him. I ams tarting to lose focus on things that are for eternity and am losing sight of the source that is my provider for life, I am losing sight of my eternal life. This is something I fervently pray that will not happen. So, I really need strength from God and I need to find rest in Him, to be refreshed once again to face the world and glorify Him.

Nevertheless, I am still thankful that God still wants to use me to do His will on this earth. I am thankful to be living in Singapore. I am thankful for the new friendships formed within the mission team. I thank Lord Jesus for really bringing people together. I thank Lord Jesus for giving me these sisters in Christ, and teaching me what it is to truly love and accept one another for who we are, and giving me opportunities to put these into practise. We are all very different in our own ways, but what connects us together is the love of God. I am sure I've offended my sisters at any point in our trip, and most of them, being older than me, are so humble and forgiving. This is the love of God that shines within our mission team, this driven love within us is from the strength of God. For we are too weak as humans to love so unconditionally.

I am thankful for the experiences I had there. Every moment of it, be it seeing the glory of God shine or be it facing rejections and spiritual warfare. I enjoyed every moment.

I am thankful that God brought me to Asia's Hope Orphan Home, there I saw the love and glory of God shining so passionately in these children. I am deeply touched and strongly encouraged as I see the faith, hope and love in the eyes of my brothers and sisters in Christ at Asia's Hope.

I am thankful for the relationship forged with Pu Songha and Pu Lim Bao Luo, and with the locals there.

I am grateful to be a child of God. I am grateful that You have adopted me into this spiritual family that will last for eternity. And all these is happening because of the sufferings Lord Jesus went through for us. I was paid a high price to be redeemed from the devil. Lord Jesus did it for me. I always fail Him, but He still love me to the extent that He died on the cross for me. This love is so hard to fathom and too great for me.

Through this retreat, God revealed to me the true meaning of being a Body in Christ. It is when all of us become one. Just like the Holy Trinity. The Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. They are 3 in 1. HAHA. I don't know how to explain.

But I don't think I can account my personal retreat today in 1 entry, because, it was quite long(:

But I still thank God for helping me review my personal objectives and giving me a new vision(:

And these are my anchor scriptures as I start a new school term! Romans 12:1-21, Matthew 5:13-16 and Acts 1:7-8

I had an awesome time with my heavenly Father today.

Taking time out to think about His goodness,

taking time out to reflect upon my sinful actions and confessing them to Him,

taking time out to give thanks to Him,

seeking Him in reviewing my personal objectives and laying them upon His word instead of my own thoughts and feelings,

praying and interceding,

once again abiding in Christ, being reminded that I am to remain in Him just as He will remain in my so that I may be a branch that will bear fruit because of His power.

May everyday be just as awesome with His presence with me every moment! I am hopeful! Thank the Lord!

Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes form the mouth of God.' " -Matthew 4:4