I have one life.
And in this one life, my unknowing desire is to know Jesus Christ.
And this unknowing desire, has been fulfilled the day Jesus touched my cold heart.
So I'd just like to share my testimony in my search to find myself dwelling in the saviour's love.
As a child, I have always been blessed by God, despite not coming from a family who knows God. I have no idea how, at a tender age, I already knew stories of Noah's Ark, Jonah and the Whale (Or the Big Fish LOL), Samson and Delilah, The Lion's Den, The Story of Christmas etc. probably because I had bible storybooks (I have no idea how I got them).
As a child, I knew that God is the Creator of life and vividly remembered one incident when I got a trashing down by my dad for my child-like faith. From then onwards, I never dared to mention God's greatness to my dad.
Throughout my life as a kid, all the way until I was twelve, I believed that God was up there, somewhere, watching over us. Also, I have seen God's power and faithfulness through the testimony of an aunt, who got into a major car accident probably ten years ago, that caused her to be bed-ridden. Every year, when my family goes to her place for visits, she would tell me and my sisters amazing stories of how God spoke to her and how she has seen God, and slowly, the desire in my heart to know who this God is started grow. However, I never had the opportunity to, I mean, I didn't really have Christian friends, and no one invited me to church back then. Through this aunt of mine, I witness how from being bed-ridden, she began to be able to sit up and to being able to stand, and eventually to walk. To think that the doctors said she'd be bed-ridden for life!
As I moved on to my teenage years, I began to grew skeptical about the idea of a God.
I remembered I used to have 3 or 4 bibles in my cupboard, and once while I was packing my room, I threw away every single bible that I had. I thought I didn't need God. And I thought those who believed in God are just people who needed a fictional character to assure them that they'll get through life.
In my new secondary school, I made new friends, it seemed as if everyone likes me, I am one of the noisy ones in class, one of the leaders in school, everyone knows me. I thought life was awesome, and I was honored and glorified. I had two awesome best friends and I loved them so dearly. We did everything together and life then seemed like a bed of roses, despite the nitty gritty details of minor setbacks faced as a student leader.
However, life took a toll on me when misunderstandings caused our relationship to sour, my best friends left me and my life turned upside down.
I suffered in silence for about six months. I tried to make things right by contacting my best friend, but I was just left cliff-hanging there, how I wished, back then, that I would just fall off that cliff and die. People started to see the change in me, but they thought I was merely stressed out because of the new role I had in the student council. I didn't trust anyone, I had no mood to do anything. I even had suicidal thoughts, like I wouldn't bother if there were cars, I'd just cross the road. The only reason why I pressed on was again for my personal honor, if anything bad were to happen to me, my reputation would be ruined.
Thank God, my form teacher reached out to me, and after that few months of silence and bottling up of everything, I poured out all that was within me. My form teacher continued to support me and genuinely cared for my welfare. But despite the love and care she showed in my life, I still felt empty, lonely, sad, depressed and unaccepted.
No one understood how I felt and what I was going through. Not even my family members. All of them thought that this was just a minor phase in life, they thought that it wasn't all that serious. But this change in my life was just too much for me to handle.
I was struggling with my identity. Who am I?
What is the meaning of my life?
One day, I was at home, feeling alone and empty as usual. I spotted a book lying on the floor and a passage that I read opened my eyes to see the condition of my heart. The book was titled, "God allows U-turn for Teens". It actually belongs to my sister, she left it lying around on the floor.
So, I randomly flipped to a page, and my eyes were immediately directed to a passage about a teenage girl struggling with bitterness. It said, "When people hurt us, we put up walls, thinking this will protect us form more hurt."
That was exactly what I was doing! I was building walls around me! I just wanted everyone to go away! But... I didn't realise that I had been trapping bitterness and hatred inside me! I haven't been having good relationships with people (at least there were many malicious thoughts inside me), because I just couldn't trust anymore! I stayed away from people, thinking it'd protect me!
But because I was an arrogant person who feels that I am strong enough to handle everything myself, I didn't need God, and so I took that sign with a pinch of salt.
My friend, Eunice, invited me to the Rhema Conference which was held in December 2010. Initially, I came up with a whole lot of excuses not to go, I thought, "It doesn't matter if I go or not, I'm not important anyway." But seeing how enthusiastic and encouraging she was, and remembering how I promised her I would go if I was free, I went.
In the sermon, the pastor preached about the love of God. God loves us and accepts us for who we are. At that point, it was as if God was telling me himself, "I love you. I accept you for who you are. You don't have to feel unaccepted by this world, it's okay if people do not accept you for who you are because I love you, and I'll never forsake you, just believe me and let me comfort you."
I was deeply touched. My empty heart miraculously filled by half! What more could I ask for? So what if people excluded me from their lives? I have the great love and acceptance from this great God! How awesome can that be!
However, I still did not open my heart to trust the churches and people. I never knew the importance of fellowship. These was once I made a casual remark, "Just because I don't go to church doesn't mean I'm not a Christian." But I was wrong. A few days later, I didn't know why, I had a desire to go to church, so I asked Eunice if I could join her for service the next day.
She was quite delighted that I asked, as she was acting in a skit titled, "Never Let Go". I went and I was deeply touched, the whole story boils down to saying God never letting us go. On that day, the same pastor preached the same sermon I heard in the Rhema Conference and I went up to the altar to receive Christ into my life.
I attended service regularly and joined a cell group. I learnt the importance of fellowship. No man is an island; we need to build relationships with others so that we can learn together, serve together, reach out together and grow stronger together.
By the grace of God, just after a few months of knowing Christ, He used me to serve as a cell leader at church. How different the feeling was! Serving as a cell leader when I didn't know God, and serving as a leader when God is with me, carrying me, guiding me, giving me rest and comforting me... I know that ultimately, there's an even stronger leader leading me and that is God and I have nothing to worry or fear, and can be assured that God would empower me to overcome the challenges a leader would face. I also joined Campus Crusade for Christ and God used me to serve in other ways too. No one can fathom the peace and joy in my heart now that Christ has found me!
I am set free by God' love and mercy and I am forgiven for my sin! Because of His great love for me, I was compelled to live my life with love to. I was hurt, I felt bitter, life was meaningless, and by feeling this way, it is the devil that will be most glorified. But the love of God, the torturous death of Jesus Christ on the cross has set me free from the chains the devil was tying me down to.
Now, my life is purpose-driven and my hope and faith in God grows daily! Everyday, God's providence just increases the thanksgiving in my heart!
No matter how much we ignore Him, disobey Him, or challenge Him, like how I used to be, He will always be reaching out to us and He will never give up on us. All we have to do is open the door in our hearts to receive Him and that would change your life forever. Even until now, I witness God working in my life, never failing to leave me in awe of His greatness!
And everyday, is just the beginning of the greatest love story in my life.
