Emotionally Engaged Now

Wow.. I'm feeling it. I'm really feeling it now. For those who have been feeling for me, thank you. Right now... My heart feels heavy and I know it's a decision that I have to make on my own. Ahh, feeling it feeling it. 

Breakthrough!

Yesterday I experienced a breakthrough in my spiritual life (: for the longest time, my emotions have been very disengaged with God. But yesterday, I could actually feel Him and feel Him working in and through me. 

So, during staff prayer before J333, one of the staff was praying for God to give us a heart of compassion for those who are coming in to ask for prayer of healing. Then, I felt like faith suddenly arose in me and I felt a gush of compassion falling on me. At that point, my soul was praising God and believing that healing will take place today. 

Suddenly, I felt something welling up in my stomach and I started feeling dizzy in my head. I knew that something was gonna happen. 

Throughout worship, I really focused on God wholeheartedly, just worshipping Him with songs and new songs! (I think studying ISOM does help, it's this course for interns and ministry staff) Coz we're covering lessons on Praise and Worship (:

When it was time to pray and minister, I did! I prayed for 3 people today. 1 for sin, 1 for legit healing and 1 for emotional healing. Wow... And I just hope I can do this for the rest of my life. 

Somehow, God grew a burden for me in this area of healing! He grew compassion in my heart. And after yesterday's experience at J333, it affirmed my desires to be a minister in God's kingdom! :D

Word of Knowledge & Wisdom

It's weird, when I am not planning very intentionally for my future, but solely relying what He has in store for me. 

Again, I've entered a period where I'm standing at the crossroads. I remember how about a month back, I was seeking God about my direction when this season ends and I actually received very comforting confirmation which led me to a decision.

During CNY this year, I experienced mild persecution from the people closest to me. But what I thought was mild persecution, affected me greatly. Soon after, I noticed my energy draining, fear increasing and discouragement seeping in. I have involuntarily absorbed the discouragement and allowed their words to turn my eyes away from God. I honestly didn't want to care about what people think of me, and it was a constant battle having to stay true and through my calling and convictions. 

I doubted. I feared. God, is this really what you have called me to do? But I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm feeling this way after facing just a teeny bit of persecution, how shall I face the bigger field? Are You sure You want me to do this? But God is really gracious. He encouraged me through people and Scripture. And that's when I made that decision.

Things started twisting in ways that I'm not receptive to. I doubted my decision and dropped the confirmation that I've received from God. Nah, I didn't want to take up what's been offered to me. I shall look for other options. But there was no peace or approval from the Lord. He remained silent, and this is the scary thing, if You're silent, I will not move. I dare not move. I wait.

I remember vividly that my prayer was, "Lord, send people to talk to me and pray for me, if working (here) is where You want me to be." He responded. He showed me. He assured me. He told me to have faith. And I feel like, I'm like Abraham who fails again and again. God assured Abraham of the covenant He made with him time and again, but Abraham just always like to take matter into his own hands.

The perspectives and voices of people can really drown me. And honestly speaking, it can be discouraging. I need God, I need to hear from Him.

This evening, I received a Word of Knowledge and Wisdom. Although the giver of the Word is not able to confirm if it is from God, but I know. It is. God is good. I am struggling to make a decision but honestly speaking, I don't feel like I'm struggling. Recently, my emotions have been very disengaged with God, so though in my mind, I know this is happening, but in my emotions, I am disengaged. Today, God allowed someone to have a heart of compassion for my struggle, and He allowed her to feel what I'm supposed to feel. I know that in her brokenness and sorrow, the Spirit intercedes on behalf of me. When she was praying for me, the sudden intervention of the Holy Spirit in her prayer indeed revealed the real reservations of my heart. It is true. I can't go, because of my parents. I can't go, because they are not willing to release me. I am thankful, that God is so patient and gentle towards me. Who am I to bargain with Him? I didn't want to. But He continues to walk with me and holds on to His promises and plans that He has for me. My heart is so filled with gratitude and I am forever indebted to Him. I am also grateful to my sister in Christ, who acted out of obedience when she was strongly prompted and urged by the Holy Spirit, to speak the Word to me. Little does she know that these words are words that bring peace to my heart. Thanks Lixin Jie.

Although I am rather sure which way I should take, but I just need to seek counsel from one more person. Just that one person, and my decision shall be sure. May the Lord's grace continue to be with me.