Headache.

The feeling when you're so emotionally drained and emotionally betrayed, you don't wanna think or feel at all. 

I almost had a mental breakdown when his words pierced through my head. It feels like my head, because it's aching now. But I believe, it's words like knives that pierced through my heart. 

I understand that he means well, and all is said out of love and concern. But I feel so burdened and pulled back. I'm tied down. Chained. Struggling to break free. Stuck. Maybe in the eyes of men, say I'm selfish, say I'm unfilial, say I'm crazy. I don't want to care. Sorry, I need to dodge all these resistants to get to where I'm suppose to be. Focused. Single-minded. My eyes set on that one goal. 

S reminded me that I'll be facing more obstacles in time to come. And as I thought about it, with that little energy left in my mental state, this is so small compared to the things to come in future. 

And I asked myself, can I still keep my sanity when those times really come?

The Pioneer Generation

I've been hoping to do a post about the elderly because I've been exposed to them very much recently. The last memory I had, of intimately interacting with an elderly, would be when I was 4 years old. My grandmother was my bestfriend, but in her last days I 'turned my back' on her because I was scared :( I remembered vividly how in her last days, she would call out for my name... But because she was very sickly, I didn't dare to go near her, I didn't know how to treat her normally. Woah, so conflicting. And then she passed away. And when she passed away, all my family members said that she was just sleeping, but I knew she would never wake up...

I got to be the emcee of a CNY event for the elderly at Renci Hospital last week, and it was kind of interesting having to entertain a crowd of elderly. Most of them spoke dialect or Bahasa Melayu, and I wished I could speak the languages. Haha. Nama saya Jasmin. Selamat Pagi. That's all I know! Haha. And the next day, I decided to join the YAYP in their Home Visitation Outreach to the elderly staying at 1-room flats. Just yesterday, together with G, we went to louhei with a cobbler uncle who does not have a family.

I guess the most impactful event that caused my heart to stir with compassion was the home visitation to the elderly who were living in 1-room flats. It was overwhelming for me, because we visited quite a few homes, and managed to enter 4 homes to chat with them. 

The most memorable encounter was the last house that we visited. There lived a 72-year old Chinese man. As compared to the other houses, I would consider him the most well-to-do considering he had an iPad, foot massager etc. He was very open about sharing his life with us, though I know he just wants someone to talk to. We got to know he has 3 filial sons who would provide for him and occasionally goes to visit him. While the other young adults were interacting with him, I was prepared to pass him a tract, but I kept it when he said he underwent a cataract operation. Also his legs are very very weak and he finds it a great difficulty to even stand up and walk.

He went on to share about his life, how his wife had an affair and how eventually he left his old house to avoid the conflict at home as things were getting out of control. It was clear that he was betrayed by his wife, but as he was sharing, I could only sense hurt but no hatred. 

After that, we prayed for him and he started tearing. He told us he suddenly thought about all his late siblings. One by one, leaving the world before him... He was so lonely... At that point, my heart ached. I was very moved and my heart started to break for him. 

I am very humbled to have experienced all these and I'm not only driven to continue in this outreach, but to also show love and concern for the elderly in my extended family. Many of them are getting old and are facing health issues, and all I really wanna do is to love them and let the love of God shine into their lives.

Is being a Christian scary?

As I was looking through articles on persecuted churches worldwide, it got me to start reflecting. I'm not sure if I'm reflecting from a very biased point of view. But it seems, Christians are the mostly persecuted group of people in the world right now. Their houses, their land, everything can be taken away from them when they've decided to respond to God's call of following Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. Not only will all these things be taken away from them, troubles, pains and sufferings will be added unto them as well.

Just these headlines on the news burdens my heart:

Christian Charged despite Thief's Confession

Believers Ordered to Stop Christian Activities

Missing Christian Children Found in Radical Madrases

Isn't it scary to be a Christian? Isn't it just scary?

I feel so heavy-hearted now and I just feel like crying out for them. 

And when I think that the troubles of this life is scary, I would also think of the eternal trouble that is to come if I do not have Jesus. 

So I'd rather be afraid as a Christian, than to be afraid without Christ.

Choosing not to choose, is a choice made.

"It seems that the more options we have, the more afraid we are of choosing. We become enslaved to being noncommittal. We don’t want to make a mistake or cut down our options. In fact, we may become so fearful of making a choice, we simply refuse to choose.

It’s right to be careful in our decision-making, of course: to pray, to seek counsel from Scripture and from wise Christians. The bigger the decision, the more careful we should be. But there comes a point when pausing becomes procrastination, when waiting is no longer wise. There comes a point when not to choose becomes idolatry. It becomes a lack of trust in the God who ordains the decisions we will make, gathers up the frayed ends, and works all things for our good and his glory.

Trust that God is good and sovereign, and redeems every choice we make. If even the choices of those who murdered his own Son were ordained for our own infinite good (Acts 4:27–28), then how can we doubt that he intends good to come from our choices, however ill-advised they may be?"

- Barry Cooper

I know I want to commit to something, and once I commit to it, I gotta walk through it no matter what I face.

Unwilling Silence

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. -James 3:17-18

I am thankful for how He has created me, the passions that He placed in me, the things that He breaks my heart for. This fire that He keeps burning and this burning fiery passion that threatens to spread in a possibly dangerous way. 

It's true. Only God understands. He knows me more than I know myself. He knows the struggles that I'm going through, and the struggles that are to come and He knows that self-control is the Word for me in the seasons to come.