I'm 21.

Turning 21 ushers in freedom and new experiences! Freedom in making my own choices; doing things that I've always wanted to do but didn't dare to until now!

Not big, significant things. Just small, significant steps that I would consider tiny milestones that will build me up as a young and independent lady!

1. Pulling an all-nighters at Starbucks alone, because I simply am more productive at night. And working in my bedroom isn't helping when the bed is right beside me.

2. Going to the movies alone; totally enjoyed myself!

3. Planning for a solo trip overseas and going with an open mind to meet and stay with complete strangers. My parents and teachers tell me, "Don't talk to strangers." But... I don't believe in that.

Life is full of surprises! How should I feel, for what God has in store for me in this life except excitement and anticipation? So thankful!

Absolutely Thankful.

Still absolutely frustrated.

Still absolutely annoyed.

Still absolutely messed up.

Still absolutely burnt out.

Still.

But I see the little things that make me happy in my life.

And I see the many people who encourages me every now and then.

So, even though I'm still absolutely.

But I'm still absolutely thankful.

Is this considered beauty, to see absolutely contradicting feeling/thoughts living together?

I'm so tired.
Thank You.

REAL.

Appreciating them.

In their presence, 

I don't have to put up a front.

I don't have to act like I have it altogether.

I can be weak.

I can be real.
I can be human.

What kind of a world are we living in now?
It's no wonder we're all tired.
It's because we haven't been real.
It's because the masks on our faces is starting to suffocate us.

Where can we find a place, where we can be real?

我不想，但我要

虽然不想，但还得。

是成长的过程，必须经历。

是建立信念的过程，必须坚持。

随着祂的旨意，才对。

“吹啊吹啊 我的骄傲放纵“

我不能骄傲。

我要谦卑。

我要成长。

我要成熟。

野子

演唱：苏运莹 feat.田馥甄
作词：苏运莹
作曲：苏运莹

就算累了也要面带笑容。我问自己，那是伪装还是一种给自己力量的鼓励呢？

就算失去斗志也要坚持下去。我问自己，那是因为要做给别人看还是打从心里不想放弃呢？

“ 吹啊吹啊 我的骄傲放纵

吹啊吹不毁我纯净花园

任风吹 任它乱

毁不灭是我 尽头的展望

吹啊吹啊 我赤脚不害怕

我吹啊吹啊 无所谓扰乱我

你看我在勇敢地微笑

你看我在勇敢地去挥手啊 ”

My Mask

I want to face the world with smiles!

"How are you doing?"

"Very good!"

That's the problem. When such a question becomes a greeting instead of a question with the intention of gathering a substantial response.

I don't actually feel hypocritical when I reply, "Very good!" to someone, when in actual fact, I'm not doing very well. 

This happened just last week. When someone asked me this question, and I responded, "Very good!" with a wide smile and a thumbs up. But I know that's just a mask to hide my true countenance. My response caught me by surprise, as I spent more thought reflecting on why I responded that way.

"How are you doing?"

"Bad. What are you going to do about it?"

LOL! Surely that kinda response will cause anyone to be taken aback.

You know why I responded that way?

Because I do not wanna affect you with my negative energy.

You know why I responded that way?

Because I'm too tired to open my heart to share what's dark inside. 

That's why. So when I respond, "Very good!" I don't feel hypocritical. 

But it takes humility and trust to say, "Bad. Can you help me out?"

But what if, I'm too tired to receive help? What does that mean?

A Wreck

I guess, there will never be a time when we can stand right before God. 

Actually, it's not a guess.

Not in my own strength and righteousness. 

Because whatever season I am in, my life is always filled with brokenness and imperfections. 

When I wanna run away, He hem me in behind and before.

He feels far away, but He's just right here, with His hands laid on my head.

I'm afraid of the consequences I have to face as a result of my decisions.

But I'm too tired to be afraid. 

"Raise up your hands if you want to come home to Jesus."

But... I'm too tired to raise up my hands. 

If I have to go home, Jesus, come and carry me home please.

I'm sorry. I'm such a wreck.

Blessed.

I am very blessed. God is good, gentle, patient and kind.

Even when I'm a wreck, or rather, constantly a wreck, He's always that good, gentle, patient and kind God towards me.