Philippians 3:14

Keep looking forward, don't look back.

Scared & Sinking

Recently, God compelled me to make a faith-stretching decision.

Well, to me, it's kinda considered faith-stretching. 

I'll be posting about it soon. I must archive that as part of my life history! Haha. 

Like in Matthew 14:28-29 (Jesus walks on water), Jesus encouraged Peter to take that step of faith to walk on sea, towards Him. What happened very soon was, Peter started to be distracted by the waves and lost focus on Jesus. He grew scared and started sinking. 

I've taken that step out to walk towards Jesus, but on my second step, my faith and trust in Him is starting to waver and I feel like I'm sinking. I'm stuck. I'm scared to walk on. I don't want to move. 

There's just so much uncertainties about my future right now.

Though God has called, and I have answered, but it's a struggle to trust.  

I want to trust. I want to have faith. I desire to.

Then these voices are like the waves that are distracting me.

"What is your 5-year plan?"//"Are you going back to school?"//"Don't you want to get married?"//"They're just worried about your future."

I have no 5-year plan. I only know God has His plans ordained for my life.

//

I have no idea if I'm going back to school.

//

Of course I want to get married, but it's not something I would constantly think about in this season of my life now right? 

//

I know. But your worry is infectious and it's affecting me and hindering me from drawing closer to God.

All these questions asked out of goodwill. And I really appreciate the people who asked them.

Whatever it is, I've already taken that step out in faith, if I don't trust God, I'm gonna sink.

Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?
Galatians 3:3

Am I gonna walk this through my own strength? No, I don't want to.

But I really need God's help through these struggles.

Even as I'm sinking, He will lift me up.

A Life of Repentance

My heart at its most fundamental level, so desires to please my fleshly self. This, sin.

//The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jer 17:9//

Many times we try to hide the sins in our lives, afraid it being exposed. But that definitely isn't helping. I mean, I know that hiding sins won't help. But what I learnt today was that, if I try to hide sin, I'm just trying to save my FALSE reputation, while trying to hide the truth about myself. What's the truth about myself? That I'm just a broken, helpless person, searching and searching and searching for something to please myself leaving me with emptiness, when I'm apart from Jesus. But God is so loving and gracious, He knowing the many sins in my life, yet not treating me or disciplining me with manipulative fear, but with grace, love and mercy.

God wants to start from my heart, my heart that's desperately sick, as written in Ezekiel 36:26

//A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh.//

We definitely don't want a bunch of robots coming to church, just trying to fight sin outwardly when truly, the root of our sin lies in our hearts. Therefore, we need need need to start from our hearts.

And don't so deceive ourselves that we don't sin.

//If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8-9//

Only God can convict us and change our hearts. God has the power to open our eyes and let us see Christ. When we see Christ, we wanna flee from sin, away from darkness and run towards God and live in the light. We wanna put off sin and put on faith. Because when we see Christ, we see that sin is in rebellion to Christ. So, it becomes a must to get rid off this rebellion (sin). 

We are humans, and we always sin. Again and again and again. Therefore, we need to live a life of repentance. That we grieve because we grieved a holy God.

Repentance is a discovery of the evil of sin, 

a mourning that we committed it,

and a resolution to forsake it. 

It is, in fact, a change of mind of a 

very deep and practical character, 

which makes the man love what he once hate

and hate what he once loved.

Charles Spurgeon

Many of us have the idea that, it's really okay, it's fine, if we keep stumbling and falling and stumbling and falling. Because when we eventually sin coz we can't resist temptation. God has already forgiven us, because Jesus has already paid the price for our sins. Well, that's true. But...

NOOOOOO. God forgave our sins so that we can know Him and love Him! God didn't forgive our sins so that we can keep on sinning! We don't really like the 'idea' of repentance, maybe because it sounds negative. But it's necessary in our Christian walk.

Our life, as Pastor Simon Murphy, puts it, is like a construction sites. Every little thing is happening at the same time. And God is working in it. With chisels and hammers, knocking here and there (ouch does this sound painful, haha! Actually, it is) and filling up cracks and holes and covering them up with His righteousness.

As I receive His grace specifically to overcome the sins in my life, I can't help but be merciful and gracious, speaking the truth in love to others. Because I, myself, am a sinner. It's really hard, I must admit that I'm not like that. And I'm fighting against this, turning to Jesus, because He gives me the confidence to admit sin and error in my life and empower me to turn away from it.

My life, ought to be a life of repentance.

I've been greatly blessed by the service at Redemption Hill Church this evening. 

More Than Songs by Stephen Miller

Let the poor run free from their poverty 

Let the hands of Your people meet their needs 

Let the lives of Your saints be an echo of Your heart 

To the broken and the hurting of Your world

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good and 
what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,

 and to walk humbly with your God?

Though many times I find it hard to grasp the conviction that should bring about from the revelation of His Word, but I want to try. I want to do justice, love mercy and walk humbly.

Though many times I fail, but I want to try. I want to struggle through these struggles, and live a worthy and victorious life.

I want to go beyond singing in worship and start worshipping with my life.

Divergent

After much pondering, rationalising, seeking and praying I have made the decision…

As I grew up, I started to see a bigger picture of Jasmin. I started to understand who I really am, and what I’m living for. I wasn’t created to pursue wealth and riches. I wasn’t created to pursue fame and power. Neither am I living to seek the approval of people. Throughout my growing years, in my attempt to pursue these things, the results were emptiness and unnecessary pressure. Moments of glory faded, supposedly given power snatched away. If I were to chase after the things that this world has to offer, I’d either be depressed, insane or both. 

I know it’s ingrained in me. To lead a life out of this world, to touch lives and to touch hearts. These desires... seemingly so invaluable, illogical and foolish. But, there were many times when I tried to run away from these desires; like I've actually drafted out a whole life plan on how I wanted to be successful by the world’s standards. But no, I couldn’t live like that. I couldn't live against my conscience, I felt lost. 

Let me live a meaningful and purposeful life, or just kill me. I’m serious. Though I know that I haven’t got the right to choose my death ofc (:

I know that this path I’m taking is truly DIVERGENT! As what the director of FMS have encouraged us on our graduation ceremony; be divergent. And yes, praise the Lord, this is the extent of my divergence not as an FMS student, but as a child of God.

I’ll definitely receive many disapproving headshakes, disappointments and even advice of goodwill (that isn’t exactly very uplifting for my soul, I'd prefer advice of God's will. HAHA!), yes, I know you may be worried, concerned or something... But I’ve made my decision, and I believe this assertive part of my nature isn’t by coincidence either. I was created for a greater purpose, a greater work for the greatest God of all.

I am going to be pursuing full time missions.

It's time to settle down on this decision,  though everything about my future appears to be a blur right now. My heart could even skip a beat (no, a few beats), and feelings and thoughts of fear and worry would kick in. But! I am going to walk by faith, and not by sight.

Same to you, whoever you are. God is calling you out to be set apart for Him, are you going to obey?