Light, fluffy rain

I was busy scrolling through Pinterest at the bus stop this morning. And as I looked up I realised it's started to rain. I could hear a mixture of the city life and the sounds of nature. The sounds of engines zooming past, and the sounds of crickets chirping. But I didn't realise the rain because I didn't hear it. I'm just so amazed by its silent beauty. Light and fluffy (: it almost looks like snow!

Thank God for His beautiful world. 

If you have nothing to die for, you have nothing to live for

During the last session of Global Awareness in 2015, our youths learnt about the worldwide refugee situation. Global Awareness started this year in R-AGE with the intention of developing us into global Christians, simply because we serve the God of all nations! As we were sharing our reflections, a youth said, “Things are just going to get worse, this world is doomed for destruction. Our only hope is in Christ.” Wow! What a bold statement made by this young man! Ain’t it true? Who then shall go and tell these refugees that their only hope is in Christ?

When we look at the world we live in today, we see evil and corruption everywhere. Jesus already warned us, we are not to be surprised. All these things are prophecies being fulfilled. The end is near; the urgency shall increase. The earth is fading away and God’s people shall arise!

“Here am I, send me!” God shall be pleased, if everyone of us respond in this way and participate in His work that carries eternal value! I want to do missions beyond the borders of my own country. Missions at places where the powers of darkness seem to be in full force. Missions at places where we deem to be unstable and dangerous. Missions at places where a believer could be in a life-threatening position.

Where is the safest place but in God’s presence? Where is the safest place but where God calls you to be? Where is God calling you to go? What is He calling you to do? Will you respond by faith? For to live is Christ and to die is gain. What shall we be afraid of?

Death?

 If you have nothing to die for, you have nothing to live for.

YAY

I AM HAPPY!

Really getting my life back together now! (:

死水

怎么办？我觉得我的生活好像一潭死水。没有值得我去奋斗的事情。没有值得我去面对的挑战。好像是没有乐趣没有向往的生活。这样子好累。

我知道我需要的是祂的活水。可是我好像连张开嘴巴喝活水的斗志都没有。这不就是等于想死吗？

I'm 21.

Turning 21 ushers in freedom and new experiences! Freedom in making my own choices; doing things that I've always wanted to do but didn't dare to until now!

Not big, significant things. Just small, significant steps that I would consider tiny milestones that will build me up as a young and independent lady!

1. Pulling an all-nighters at Starbucks alone, because I simply am more productive at night. And working in my bedroom isn't helping when the bed is right beside me.

2. Going to the movies alone; totally enjoyed myself!

3. Planning for a solo trip overseas and going with an open mind to meet and stay with complete strangers. My parents and teachers tell me, "Don't talk to strangers." But... I don't believe in that.

Life is full of surprises! How should I feel, for what God has in store for me in this life except excitement and anticipation? So thankful!

Absolutely Thankful.

Still absolutely frustrated.

Still absolutely annoyed.

Still absolutely messed up.

Still absolutely burnt out.

Still.

But I see the little things that make me happy in my life.

And I see the many people who encourages me every now and then.

So, even though I'm still absolutely.

But I'm still absolutely thankful.

Is this considered beauty, to see absolutely contradicting feeling/thoughts living together?

I'm so tired.
Thank You.

REAL.

Appreciating them.

In their presence, 

I don't have to put up a front.

I don't have to act like I have it altogether.

I can be weak.

I can be real.
I can be human.

What kind of a world are we living in now?
It's no wonder we're all tired.
It's because we haven't been real.
It's because the masks on our faces is starting to suffocate us.

Where can we find a place, where we can be real?

我不想，但我要

虽然不想，但还得。

是成长的过程，必须经历。

是建立信念的过程，必须坚持。

随着祂的旨意，才对。

“吹啊吹啊 我的骄傲放纵“

我不能骄傲。

我要谦卑。

我要成长。

我要成熟。

野子

演唱：苏运莹 feat.田馥甄
作词：苏运莹
作曲：苏运莹

就算累了也要面带笑容。我问自己，那是伪装还是一种给自己力量的鼓励呢？

就算失去斗志也要坚持下去。我问自己，那是因为要做给别人看还是打从心里不想放弃呢？

“ 吹啊吹啊 我的骄傲放纵

吹啊吹不毁我纯净花园

任风吹 任它乱

毁不灭是我 尽头的展望

吹啊吹啊 我赤脚不害怕

我吹啊吹啊 无所谓扰乱我

你看我在勇敢地微笑

你看我在勇敢地去挥手啊 ”

My Mask

I want to face the world with smiles!

"How are you doing?"

"Very good!"

That's the problem. When such a question becomes a greeting instead of a question with the intention of gathering a substantial response.

I don't actually feel hypocritical when I reply, "Very good!" to someone, when in actual fact, I'm not doing very well. 

This happened just last week. When someone asked me this question, and I responded, "Very good!" with a wide smile and a thumbs up. But I know that's just a mask to hide my true countenance. My response caught me by surprise, as I spent more thought reflecting on why I responded that way.

"How are you doing?"

"Bad. What are you going to do about it?"

LOL! Surely that kinda response will cause anyone to be taken aback.

You know why I responded that way?

Because I do not wanna affect you with my negative energy.

You know why I responded that way?

Because I'm too tired to open my heart to share what's dark inside. 

That's why. So when I respond, "Very good!" I don't feel hypocritical. 

But it takes humility and trust to say, "Bad. Can you help me out?"

But what if, I'm too tired to receive help? What does that mean?

A Wreck

I guess, there will never be a time when we can stand right before God. 

Actually, it's not a guess.

Not in my own strength and righteousness. 

Because whatever season I am in, my life is always filled with brokenness and imperfections. 

When I wanna run away, He hem me in behind and before.

He feels far away, but He's just right here, with His hands laid on my head.

I'm afraid of the consequences I have to face as a result of my decisions.

But I'm too tired to be afraid. 

"Raise up your hands if you want to come home to Jesus."

But... I'm too tired to raise up my hands. 

If I have to go home, Jesus, come and carry me home please.

I'm sorry. I'm such a wreck.

Blessed.

I am very blessed. God is good, gentle, patient and kind.

Even when I'm a wreck, or rather, constantly a wreck, He's always that good, gentle, patient and kind God towards me. 

Bereaved

Life is fleeting. 

One moment you can be talking to someone, the next moment she's not around anymore. Though she is not close to me.. But I've seen her, we've talked. I saw how she loves her daughter, how she pampers her daughter, dote on her. And now.. She's gone. I can't help but feel bereaved and weep for this loss of a great mother who just wants the best for her children. Why? How? Why? Why? Why?

My heart is broken and grieving. 

Rumbling Thoughts

I've been feeling very deprived of  fellowship lately. But it's just the way things are sometimes, or most of the time. At certain points, we'd feel alone or lonely. 

It's tough to be involved and be engaged in conversations... When friends just talk about boys, and you're not always interested. Because other things fill your mind... Like your dreams, future, social issues, things going on in the world... 

But I'm not looking for people to discuss about these issues intellectually, I'm just hoping to talk to people who can exchange hearts and build up my empathy to the victims of these social issues. 

---

It's becoming more evident to me that the world's definition of success is infiltrating the minds of those around me. Money, fame, power. Success is when i get all the things i dreamed of getting (often materialistically).. Success is when I've got everything I want to make my life comfortable.. Success is when I buy that new car and earn a 5-figure salary. Success is when I'm only 21 and I clinched that advertisement opportunity.. In this case, I am never a success if I live by the world's definition. 

"Everything's too worldly..." Just got reminded (as I type this) by this fellow colleague back in my internship days as a student, he actually has a book in the stores that's filled with his life's philosophy. I was quite surprised he said that, because such things I only hear at the pulpit or in my Christian community. 

Indeed, everything is too worldly. There's so much noise and too many voices. 

Amidst all these clutter, it is a challenge to be still and know that You are God. But this is my constant desire anyway, to be still and know that You are God 

If you matter to me, I'll find out more. But since you don't, I'll just let it go. If something serious and sincere to one person is strange to another, what can I say?

Crying and Calling

Tears just welled up my eyes as I was reading an article written about a recent missions trip that the R-AGE team went for. It brought me to tears. I texted the writer, Esna. She said I'm crying because my heart is breaking for the world. And I remembered praying to God this morning, to lead me to be sure of my calling. Is this how it feels to be sure of my calling? Because crying reminds me of my calling. Crying shows me the reality of my deepest longing, that longs to meet the world's hunger.

Emotionally Engaged Now

Wow.. I'm feeling it. I'm really feeling it now. For those who have been feeling for me, thank you. Right now... My heart feels heavy and I know it's a decision that I have to make on my own. Ahh, feeling it feeling it. 

Breakthrough!

Yesterday I experienced a breakthrough in my spiritual life (: for the longest time, my emotions have been very disengaged with God. But yesterday, I could actually feel Him and feel Him working in and through me. 

So, during staff prayer before J333, one of the staff was praying for God to give us a heart of compassion for those who are coming in to ask for prayer of healing. Then, I felt like faith suddenly arose in me and I felt a gush of compassion falling on me. At that point, my soul was praising God and believing that healing will take place today. 

Suddenly, I felt something welling up in my stomach and I started feeling dizzy in my head. I knew that something was gonna happen. 

Throughout worship, I really focused on God wholeheartedly, just worshipping Him with songs and new songs! (I think studying ISOM does help, it's this course for interns and ministry staff) Coz we're covering lessons on Praise and Worship (:

When it was time to pray and minister, I did! I prayed for 3 people today. 1 for sin, 1 for legit healing and 1 for emotional healing. Wow... And I just hope I can do this for the rest of my life. 

Somehow, God grew a burden for me in this area of healing! He grew compassion in my heart. And after yesterday's experience at J333, it affirmed my desires to be a minister in God's kingdom! :D

Word of Knowledge & Wisdom

It's weird, when I am not planning very intentionally for my future, but solely relying what He has in store for me. 

Again, I've entered a period where I'm standing at the crossroads. I remember how about a month back, I was seeking God about my direction when this season ends and I actually received very comforting confirmation which led me to a decision.

During CNY this year, I experienced mild persecution from the people closest to me. But what I thought was mild persecution, affected me greatly. Soon after, I noticed my energy draining, fear increasing and discouragement seeping in. I have involuntarily absorbed the discouragement and allowed their words to turn my eyes away from God. I honestly didn't want to care about what people think of me, and it was a constant battle having to stay true and through my calling and convictions. 

I doubted. I feared. God, is this really what you have called me to do? But I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm feeling this way after facing just a teeny bit of persecution, how shall I face the bigger field? Are You sure You want me to do this? But God is really gracious. He encouraged me through people and Scripture. And that's when I made that decision.

Things started twisting in ways that I'm not receptive to. I doubted my decision and dropped the confirmation that I've received from God. Nah, I didn't want to take up what's been offered to me. I shall look for other options. But there was no peace or approval from the Lord. He remained silent, and this is the scary thing, if You're silent, I will not move. I dare not move. I wait.

I remember vividly that my prayer was, "Lord, send people to talk to me and pray for me, if working (here) is where You want me to be." He responded. He showed me. He assured me. He told me to have faith. And I feel like, I'm like Abraham who fails again and again. God assured Abraham of the covenant He made with him time and again, but Abraham just always like to take matter into his own hands.

The perspectives and voices of people can really drown me. And honestly speaking, it can be discouraging. I need God, I need to hear from Him.

This evening, I received a Word of Knowledge and Wisdom. Although the giver of the Word is not able to confirm if it is from God, but I know. It is. God is good. I am struggling to make a decision but honestly speaking, I don't feel like I'm struggling. Recently, my emotions have been very disengaged with God, so though in my mind, I know this is happening, but in my emotions, I am disengaged. Today, God allowed someone to have a heart of compassion for my struggle, and He allowed her to feel what I'm supposed to feel. I know that in her brokenness and sorrow, the Spirit intercedes on behalf of me. When she was praying for me, the sudden intervention of the Holy Spirit in her prayer indeed revealed the real reservations of my heart. It is true. I can't go, because of my parents. I can't go, because they are not willing to release me. I am thankful, that God is so patient and gentle towards me. Who am I to bargain with Him? I didn't want to. But He continues to walk with me and holds on to His promises and plans that He has for me. My heart is so filled with gratitude and I am forever indebted to Him. I am also grateful to my sister in Christ, who acted out of obedience when she was strongly prompted and urged by the Holy Spirit, to speak the Word to me. Little does she know that these words are words that bring peace to my heart. Thanks Lixin Jie.

Although I am rather sure which way I should take, but I just need to seek counsel from one more person. Just that one person, and my decision shall be sure. May the Lord's grace continue to be with me.

Headache.

The feeling when you're so emotionally drained and emotionally betrayed, you don't wanna think or feel at all. 

I almost had a mental breakdown when his words pierced through my head. It feels like my head, because it's aching now. But I believe, it's words like knives that pierced through my heart. 

I understand that he means well, and all is said out of love and concern. But I feel so burdened and pulled back. I'm tied down. Chained. Struggling to break free. Stuck. Maybe in the eyes of men, say I'm selfish, say I'm unfilial, say I'm crazy. I don't want to care. Sorry, I need to dodge all these resistants to get to where I'm suppose to be. Focused. Single-minded. My eyes set on that one goal. 

S reminded me that I'll be facing more obstacles in time to come. And as I thought about it, with that little energy left in my mental state, this is so small compared to the things to come in future. 

And I asked myself, can I still keep my sanity when those times really come?

The Pioneer Generation

I've been hoping to do a post about the elderly because I've been exposed to them very much recently. The last memory I had, of intimately interacting with an elderly, would be when I was 4 years old. My grandmother was my bestfriend, but in her last days I 'turned my back' on her because I was scared :( I remembered vividly how in her last days, she would call out for my name... But because she was very sickly, I didn't dare to go near her, I didn't know how to treat her normally. Woah, so conflicting. And then she passed away. And when she passed away, all my family members said that she was just sleeping, but I knew she would never wake up...

I got to be the emcee of a CNY event for the elderly at Renci Hospital last week, and it was kind of interesting having to entertain a crowd of elderly. Most of them spoke dialect or Bahasa Melayu, and I wished I could speak the languages. Haha. Nama saya Jasmin. Selamat Pagi. That's all I know! Haha. And the next day, I decided to join the YAYP in their Home Visitation Outreach to the elderly staying at 1-room flats. Just yesterday, together with G, we went to louhei with a cobbler uncle who does not have a family.

I guess the most impactful event that caused my heart to stir with compassion was the home visitation to the elderly who were living in 1-room flats. It was overwhelming for me, because we visited quite a few homes, and managed to enter 4 homes to chat with them. 

The most memorable encounter was the last house that we visited. There lived a 72-year old Chinese man. As compared to the other houses, I would consider him the most well-to-do considering he had an iPad, foot massager etc. He was very open about sharing his life with us, though I know he just wants someone to talk to. We got to know he has 3 filial sons who would provide for him and occasionally goes to visit him. While the other young adults were interacting with him, I was prepared to pass him a tract, but I kept it when he said he underwent a cataract operation. Also his legs are very very weak and he finds it a great difficulty to even stand up and walk.

He went on to share about his life, how his wife had an affair and how eventually he left his old house to avoid the conflict at home as things were getting out of control. It was clear that he was betrayed by his wife, but as he was sharing, I could only sense hurt but no hatred. 

After that, we prayed for him and he started tearing. He told us he suddenly thought about all his late siblings. One by one, leaving the world before him... He was so lonely... At that point, my heart ached. I was very moved and my heart started to break for him. 

I am very humbled to have experienced all these and I'm not only driven to continue in this outreach, but to also show love and concern for the elderly in my extended family. Many of them are getting old and are facing health issues, and all I really wanna do is to love them and let the love of God shine into their lives.

Is being a Christian scary?

As I was looking through articles on persecuted churches worldwide, it got me to start reflecting. I'm not sure if I'm reflecting from a very biased point of view. But it seems, Christians are the mostly persecuted group of people in the world right now. Their houses, their land, everything can be taken away from them when they've decided to respond to God's call of following Jesus as their Lord and Saviour. Not only will all these things be taken away from them, troubles, pains and sufferings will be added unto them as well.

Just these headlines on the news burdens my heart:

Christian Charged despite Thief's Confession

Believers Ordered to Stop Christian Activities

Missing Christian Children Found in Radical Madrases

Isn't it scary to be a Christian? Isn't it just scary?

I feel so heavy-hearted now and I just feel like crying out for them. 

And when I think that the troubles of this life is scary, I would also think of the eternal trouble that is to come if I do not have Jesus. 

So I'd rather be afraid as a Christian, than to be afraid without Christ.

Choosing not to choose, is a choice made.

"It seems that the more options we have, the more afraid we are of choosing. We become enslaved to being noncommittal. We don’t want to make a mistake or cut down our options. In fact, we may become so fearful of making a choice, we simply refuse to choose.

It’s right to be careful in our decision-making, of course: to pray, to seek counsel from Scripture and from wise Christians. The bigger the decision, the more careful we should be. But there comes a point when pausing becomes procrastination, when waiting is no longer wise. There comes a point when not to choose becomes idolatry. It becomes a lack of trust in the God who ordains the decisions we will make, gathers up the frayed ends, and works all things for our good and his glory.

Trust that God is good and sovereign, and redeems every choice we make. If even the choices of those who murdered his own Son were ordained for our own infinite good (Acts 4:27–28), then how can we doubt that he intends good to come from our choices, however ill-advised they may be?"

- Barry Cooper

I know I want to commit to something, and once I commit to it, I gotta walk through it no matter what I face.

Unwilling Silence

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. -James 3:17-18

I am thankful for how He has created me, the passions that He placed in me, the things that He breaks my heart for. This fire that He keeps burning and this burning fiery passion that threatens to spread in a possibly dangerous way. 

It's true. Only God understands. He knows me more than I know myself. He knows the struggles that I'm going through, and the struggles that are to come and He knows that self-control is the Word for me in the seasons to come.

My thoughts, not Yours

On my 9th day of being 21, I've got one verse in mind.

Isaiah 55:8

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

So many sentiments, so many thoughts.

So many options, so many ways.

Just when I thought I could follow my thoughts and my ways by my default decisions, the LORD changes situations in my life and impresses things upon my heart that I'm rather reluctant to think about. But... whatever it is, I am fully submitted to His thoughts and His ways, for He is God.

A God of love, and a God I wanna love. 
A God of fear, and a God I wanna fear.

No, I'm not worried about my future. 

I'm rested, entrusting, believing and at peace.

But when the voices of people in my life causes me to be distracted and even look away from Jesus for one second, I'd most definitely drown. I don't wanna look away. 

Indeed,

"My whole life is yours, I give it all,

surrendered to your name.

And forever I will pray,

Have your way, have your way."

There are a few things that's scary about turning 21. Especially when your parents outrightly make it so real, and slam it into your face that, you're an adult now. 

Grow up. Stop dreaming. Face reality. 

And... so they think :P

Omgosh. I'm an adult. What?

Bye bye 2014!

Hello 2015! I'm trying to act as excited as I am! Don't misunderstand me. I am excited. I'm passionate for life and full of hope for the future. But I just don't get how people should scream and hug, put on their big smiles and appear their happiest at 12 midnight, 1 January 2015. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But still, good job if you're like that! It's good to start the new year on high! 

I thought it'd be good to begin my year by looking back on my 2014 (:

1. I ended my 6-month internship at MediaCorp's Branding and Promotions 8 & U in February. That was the best work experience ever. I loved my job scope (going to cover behind the scenes with the production team, taking photos, taking video interviews, updating the BaguaTV blog, going to be an extra at media conferences, doing very fun saikang jobs #forreal) and I love the team of people whom I was working under and working with. A very family environment, with very loving, giving and peace-keeping people. I meet stars and get starstruck every now and then. Omgosh, I had lunch with Elvin Ng and we talked about life, I'm not even kidding. LOL! I build friendships that are genuine. I've got many good memories stored in my memory jar. But I guess the only thing I regret was that I didn't express my gratitude towards my colleagues well enough, and I didn't take more photos!!! 

2. I started part-time work with my sister at Great Eastern Life. Took M5 & M9 because I had plans to be a financial planner. But a detour happened. HAHA

3. Influenced by Sarah-Ann Han to work with her at a cafe. Mmm.

4. Graduated from Ngee Ann Poly with a Diploma in Mass Communication.

5. Said bye bye to my favourite-st CCA, NP Cru. Best community ever fellowshipped with. That was the place where God gave me a mentor to walk me through the baby life of a baby Christian. Leading me to build my faith firmly on God. Had many many opportunities to serve God there and witnessed many many amazing things that God has done for the ministry and for our individual lives (:

6. Served in the tertiary community in R-AGE (:

7. Worked at Yakult. Met a bunch of very nice people as well!

8. Started interning at church and exploring full-time ministry. God getting me grounded in my full-time calling.

9. Served in the Leaders' Advance 2014 comm. (:

10. Nothing already! HELLO 2015!